Hi netbies,
This will read a lot like drivel, I confess to begin with I'm dashing this off so I can sleep with a murky conscience (as different from an opaque one haha.) Am I being more honest with myself, or am I truly down the mountain, in the river to be carried with the rapids? And do I like it? I think I do but we all know rapids lead to waterfalls... This is the life I've created, and its really horrifying if I look at it!
I've been keeping a personal diary so this is not my log of observations around me. So...
I'm playing a deception game with those who know me, and its fun but its also eating me alive. I have entered into the world of "sin" as it is known, I won't say the word but its different. How did I arrive to this street-level world you ask yourself? How did I forsake what you can call my "innocence" or integrity? I'm not sure, but I think I found this road a long time ago, before I moved here, and it was so bright! When you're alone, and no one to talk to, like reading your first book for example (no I don't mean masturbation, but that can be another episode haha) and words seem so frightening! Can you imagine, a boy of 10 having nightmares over a novel of fiction? Over and over again? That's when I cared about life, before I looked for that way, the way where the authors lived and breathed and had fun times and sad times. Let me say now before my lies grow stronger, I SHALL NEVER BE A WRITER, because I can't write! Not a single beautiful sentence! If you come looking for me to interview, as you shall and need to and that's good and right, you will find I own no books, only ashes that I recycle for my substitute for warmth.
On a serious note, those who read my blog believe they care about me even though... and for this I would give you anything. However, you're not alone in being in the way of my iron boots! I think I'm becoming a drug user.. it starts small, some beer now and then, coffee (now increasingly with sugar!), the other day I tried a cleaning product and liked it! And it doesn't end. I haven't picked up my guitar in months, it needs strings, I have them but don't put them on. I've missed many appointments.. and I get involved with people that I don't like for just the weirdest reasons! I feel to be honest that I am getting down to something. But I don't believe I'm "breaking through" just yet, though something about religion, popular songs and writers of the heart that are giving me vision. Right now I can tell a little of what it is not. It is not sermons on Sunday about your sins or insecurities, it isn't about what you think you should do (for another person, society, elderly people I can go on..) It isn't about what people call the "rat race" (but I think should be called finding your motivation for success!) Its also not about pleasing anyone or anything, but it is about following leads, I see paths into forests that could lead to wide farmland, a forest covered with dew or a marsh that traps the mind. Some people aren't here, and thank god, but if you are where I am and you can't pick up that book anymore or call that girl, I can try to empty my mind, flesh and soul! of power and let books, words and even people find me. They do you know.. ever wonder why you found "that book" in a store and it seemed right for you? If you're like me and you read alot, (btw get help now!) its like going for a run, your eyes find the books you want just like your feet find the surface of the pavement.
If you think I'm completely insane, well let me say that I have an idea what insanity is so keep it to yourself! But also, yes I am not too sane and somewhat what you call crazy, but if so it started before you knew me (but first impressions are important, maybe most important! I would like to look for my first impressions again and if you want to know people I suggest you do the same!) My trip has nearly reached its zenith, god willing I can find my spiritual home once again.
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